The darkness, so black
Like the moonless night, wandering blind with no light to guide
Tumbling, tripping, falling, down, down, farther and farther, no ground to break the fall
The bitterness, so tart
Like the peel of a lemon, no sugar to dull the bite
Can’t get the taste out of your mouth, no water will wash away those thick secretions down, down the back of your throat
The coldness, so bitting
Like the middle of winter without a coat, stuck in the storm no place to turn
Icy winds ripping through your body, freezing you down, down to the bone
No one can save you
It strikes its victims without warning
Time? How am I grateful for time? I have been procrastinating this question for two days obviously. My 31 Days of Gratitude Challenge is taking me slightly longer to complete due to illness and just full on procrastination of days like today. That is why it is called a “Challenge” though, right?
So, let me get to the heart of the matter. Time really means nothing to me anymore. I feel like a waste of time and space most days. I don’t feel like I have a sense of purpose since having to give up my career at the beginning of August. I mean, it has been over three months already and I have nothing to show for that time. Sitting here this morning, I realized that I do have much to be grateful for.
Shawn has given me this time to rest and it takes a tremendous amount of time to determine what is going on with my body and how to begin the healing process. I spent the first eight weeks in therapy for my neck. Trying out different combinations of medications takes time to determine whether they will work for me in decreasing my pain. Waiting to get into specialists takes time. Don’t even get me startled on the amount of time this whole disability process is starting to take and how much time I know it will end up taking.
Instead of looking at time wasted resting and sleeping….unfinished projects waiting for me. I will choose to be grateful for this time that Shawn has taken on the financial burden of my daughters and me and be blessed that I can spend this healing process and time of discovery without added stress of money and enjoy the extra time I have with the ones I love most.
I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I feel.
Getting a facial is my little retreat away from reality. I adore the entire experience. I have chronic sinusitis, so rubbing on my face feels so good. It gets everything moving. I rub my own face daily, but of course it always feels better when someone else does it.
Then there is the feel of my skin when it is all said and done. Oh, I feel rejuvenated! My face feels full of life and my circulation is improved. If I could afford this delight on a weekly basis, I would be there!
It just makes no sense! This stupid battle with food that I have! It drives me crazy. I used to battle food in my teenage years in the form of anorexia. All food was the enemy. Food equaled fat to me.
Then again with the anorexia after my second baby getting ready for a wedding 9 months later. The pressure to be thin was overwhelming. Off and on I battled binge eating and purging and starving myself.
Finally, I decided that enough was enough and I chose healing. I was the healthiest I had ever been and had the best relationship with food when fibromyalgia hit about 2 years ago. Along for the ride came IBS. Of course I can’t just have a simple form of IBS, I have combination IBS.
I have tried eliminating lactose, gluten, and eating a low FODMAP diet. Nothing helps. I have been gaining weight steadily since March due to med changes and decided a couple months ago to eat a low carb diet. I was doing some research and this helps people with fibro manage pain and lose weight supposedly. My IBS became out of control with so much vegetables. One week I was shitting my pants and the next I couldn’t go at all. I was in complete misery! I did lose 8 pounds though.
About two weeks ago, I just said the hell with it and started eating what my family eats….bread and all. Guess what? I’ve been having daily “normal” poop! Not to say that all my symptoms are gone. I still have gas and bloating. It sure beats wearing diapers and sitting on the toilet crying for hours in misery. I gained 4 pounds at the doctor yesterday though.
I throw my hands up!
Emily Bitto’s Novel “The Strays” was a novel like none that I have ever read before. Very interesting viewpoint. If you are looking to see more into the intimate lives of artists in the 1930s, this book is for you. It is written in a very unashamed manner from the viewpoint of a child.
These children where left to there own devises and it reminded me of my own childhood watching the partying of my parents and their friends as I grew into my own. The thoughts that Lily had mirrored many of the thoughts and questions that I too had. Also, a story of deep childhood friendship that many of us can relate to. The making of a family of your own when the own you were born into just doesn’t live up to expectations.
I enjoyed this book, even though I feel like it isn’t for everyone. Emily has an amazing writing style!
Even though I loathe grocery shopping, I am so grateful that we always have enough food on the table. There are so many people around the world who struggle to feed their families and I have never had to experience that. Things do get tight and we have cheap dinners, but we always have a hot meal on the table.
We are blessed beyond measure! This is a necessity that many of us take for granted on a daily basis and never give a thought to the millions that are literally starving around the globe.
Think of how grateful you are tonight while gathered around the table!
Startled out of a deep sleep
Splitting pain in my brain has awoken me again
I don’t think I can move; my legs are stiff as boards
I must move my brain says. The pain needs movement to start to diminish in my body
As silently as possible, trying not to wake anyone else upstairs I creep my stiff, aching body down the stairs….one agonizing step at a time
Down to the recliner, pop the pills in my mouth and wait for some relief to be able to get a little more rest
Two hours just sitting in the dark alone waiting….waiting for the worst of the pain to go away
Finally able to drift back down to slumber…..only an hour and a half until it is time to get up to get the girls ready for school.
No one knows what goes on while they are all fast asleep in their beds. Only Wrigley knows the truth of my struggle.