Explanations

So, this is it!

I have finally out what drives me crazy and what every situation and every person I encounter has in common. I need to give an explanation for everything since I have been sick.

  • Shawn- I’m constantly explaining why I can’t accomplish things or how I feel. Every day, all day long I try to put into words this assault on my body.
  • Doctors- At every new appointment and with every new doctor or professional, going back through everything from the beginning. Back through my history, my symptoms, for no reasons, for no relief I feel.
  • People in Public- The dreaded people and blank stares after the questions and my lame answers. I explain to deaf ears it seems.

Over and over….

Explanation after explanation….

I never have a “normal” conversation anymore it seems. I long for the days of small talk about the salon or how someone wants a change in their hair…or how the kids are doing…anything besides the sickness…the looming doom that is the dark cloud over my entire life.

My week is composed solely of physical therapy, counseling, doctor’s appointments, specialist’s appointments, testing….I long to be back at work…back behind my chair making people look and feel beautiful, talking about the weather, their kids, their remodeling projects, their vacations….focusing on others instead of trying yet again to explain this mysterious illness that came out of nowhere and swept away my life.

31 Days of Gratitude Photo Challenge-Day 28

TECHNOLOGY

I’m so grateful for my phone. It is my only link to the outside world most days. Sometimes I don’t want to be a part of the outside world, but it is very important for my mental health to know that there are other people that deal with the same issues that I do.

I do not partake in any social media outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or Twitter anymore because they only bring me down. I choose to limit my interactions to blogging with like minded people and occasionally scrolling through Pinterest. My true friends are not my Facebook friends and it took me a long time to figure that out. I have about 3-5 true friends and I don’t need Facebook to interact with them. We can share pictures and funny memes through text messages.

Technology is a blessing but it can also be a curse. I have learned through the years how to best use it to optimize my life without bringing me down.

Feelin’ Like A Fugitive

My social anxiety has hit a new level of extreme!

*Note: This post may contain profanity

This morning I had a breakfast date with one of my besties. It started out all wrong, because the place that we were going to meet at is suppose to open at 8am. Sitting in the parking lot at 9:04am, it was obvious that it wasn’t going to be opening any time soon. We had to go somewhere else. 

We went to the next least crowded place in town. It was pretty packed, but at least we got a booth in the back corner. I was able to sit in the corner and have a view of the whole room. I have major issues with people moving around behind my back where I can’t see. Breakfast was relatively a smooth engagement. We decided to meet up at Goodwill to walk around a little. Both of us love thrifting as we like to call it. 

Pulling in the parking lot I knew something was terrible wrong. It was fucking packed! There are usually only like three other cars there tops. Panic started to set in. I joked about it to Heidi. Then, we saw the sign, “Storewide 50% off everything today!” Why me? No wonder everyone crepted out of the woodwork and came running.

I was as okay as I could be at first, but then I started hearing familiar voices. Oh shit! My brain starts screaming at me that I must get the hell out of there! Meanwhile, I’m trying to stay engaged in the conversation Heidi is having with me about bracelets. 

My breathing starts to pick up as my feet carry me around a corner and all I can see are familiar faces. I feel like I was just featured on America’s Most Wanted. I continue to pretend like I’m looking through clothing racks in the hopes that no one notices me and asks those damn questions that I hate so much.  

Why the hell do I feel like I’ve done something wrong? Why do I feel like a convict on the run avoiding the cops at every turn? It isn’t so much the questions I don’t think. It is the look on their faces once I answer them. 

I used to be so social. This is part of the problem. I know so many people and they all want to come up and chat. Where have you been? Why aren’t you at the salon anymore? What are you doing now?

And then the silence and the stare…..always the same…..

Do they realize it makes me not want to leave the safety of my own home?

Do they realize their reaction makes me hid and feel like a convict? 

They All Showed Up

Look at them all now whispering to each other about me wondering why I did it

They all showed up

Why now when it is too late? 

Nobody cared when I was all alone feeling like the world was caving in on me

None of them called or stopped by when my heart was beating and my pain was soaring out of control

Did they not realize the agony that I was in? 

They can take time out of their busy lives now all dressed in black with tears rolling down their cheeks remembering the old me

The me that I lost a long time ago. The me that I could never grieve. The me that longed to get out and have my life back.

Oh look now, there is my mother. Here she comes to cry over my body. What has it been? Ten years since she has cared enough to pick up the phone? 

And my sister too? Same as my mother. Oh how stunning she is. So many things I wish I could tell her beautiful face. Why did I have  take my life for them to finally show up? 

They all should have known it would end like this but they are all so shocked. Didn’t I give you enough warning? Didn’t I tell you the pain was too much to bear? 

My sweet girls without a mother. I feel regret for them. Hopefully, they will be able to forgive me someday the way I forgave my father. 

They all showed up

Too late 

The Not So Invisible Invisible Illness

I’m struggling so much lately adjusting to this new life. I just don’t know where I fit in the world anymore. I want to have a career. I miss being around people, but in the state  I’m in, people are the last thing I want to be around right now. 

I just feel so alone. I feel like no one understands me. Some days I wonder if this pain I feel is really all made up. Can my mind really trick me into feeling this much pain every day? No way! This has to be real!

A few weeks ago, I was having a horrendous day and snapped a couple of pictures of myself so I could see my face. 

I don’t have any broken bones or gushing lesions on my body, but I’m suffering every day. Take today, for example, I’m starting the day out on the third day of a migraine. It is running me down, both physically and mentally. I am also experiencing extremely high levels of pain in my lower back, neck and my left hip and sciatica down my left leg today. 

I would like to get some house cleaning down and my Halloween decorations switched out for my Thanksgiving ones. I would also like to take a shower. I think it has been three days. 


I’m also on a downward spiral in a depressed state. I’m feeling like no one cares or believes that I’m even ill. I hate when I feel like this. I block out my friends. I made myself write this blog post, because I know I need to get my feelings out or they will destroy me. 

I miss my life more than I could ever imagine and I just don’t know how to cope. My therapist says I need to structure my weeks and schedule stuff, but it is so challenging to do when I have no idea what my illness is going to throw at me one minute to the next. If I knew when I would have a low pain time, then I could work somewhat. My low pain days seem to come less and less often anymore. 

Is it just all in my head? 

The Not So Invisible Invisible Illness

I’m struggling so much lately adjusting to this new life. I just don’t know where I fit in the world anymore. I want to have a career. I miss being around people, but in the state  I’m in, people are the last thing I want to be around right now. 

I just feel so alone. I feel like no one understands me. Some days I wonder if this pain I feel is really all made up. Can my mind really trick me into feeling this much pain every day? No way! This has to be real!

A few weeks ago, I was having a horrendous day and snapped a couple of pictures of myself so I could see my face. 

I don’t have any broken bones or gushing lesions on my body, but I’m suffering every day. Take today, for example, I’m starting the day out on the third day of a migraine. It is running me down, both physically and mentally. I am also experiencing extremely high levels of pain in my lower back, neck and my left hip and sciatica down my left leg today. 

I would like to get some house cleaning down and my Halloween decorations switched out for my Thanksgiving ones. I would also like to take a shower. I think it has been three days. 


I’m also on a downward spiral in a depressed state. I’m feeling like no one cares or believes that I’m even ill. I hate when I feel like this. I block out my friends. I made myself write this blog post, because I know I need to get my feelings out or they will destroy me. 

I miss my life more than I could ever imagine and I just don’t know how to cope. My therapist says I need to structure my weeks and schedule stuff, but it is so challenging to do when I have no idea what my illness is going to throw at me one minute to the next. If I knew when I would have a low pain time, then I could work somewhat. My low pain days seem to come less and less often anymore. 

Is it just all in my head? 

31 Days of Gratitude Photo Challenge-Day 17

FRAGILE


“My sweet sweet daughter, how fragile you are to me. You have such a strong exterior, but you are so like your mother. That is what scares me.”

My worst fear was always that my traits would be past onto my daughters and about two years ago, when my oldest was 13, I started seeing signs of bipolar in her. What I’m grateful for is that I now have the strength to not only see this, but to get her the help that she needs. She won’t ever have to walk in her illness alone or wonder what is wrong with her. She will never have to go through a season or a lifetime of self-medication to try to make some sort of sense out of her life. 

My fragile flower is growing into a strong woman right before my eyes. We have our differences. Don’t all teenage daughters and their moms? Despite all of that, she knows I’m here, fighting the same fight with her and that means the world! 

31 Days of Gratitude Photo Challenge-Day 17

FRAGILE


“My sweet sweet daughter, how fragile you are to me. You have such a strong exterior, but you are so like your mother. That is what scares me.”

My worst fear was always that my traits would be past onto my daughters and about two years ago, when my oldest was 13, I started seeing signs of bipolar in her. What I’m grateful for is that I now have the strength to not only see this, but to get her the help that she needs. She won’t ever have to walk in her illness alone or wonder what is wrong with her. She will never have to go through a season or a lifetime of self-medication to try to make some sort of sense out of her life. 

My fragile flower is growing into a strong woman right before my eyes. We have our differences. Don’t all teenage daughters and their moms? Despite all of that, she knows I’m here, fighting the same fight with her and that means the world! 

31 Days of Gratitude Photo Challenge- Day 14

OLD


Christmas morning 1992

I never knew that his gift was to be the gift that would not only save my life one day, but change it completely and become my most valued possession on this earth. 

My bible is written in, highlighted, dog eared, has bobby pins and napkins for book marks, and contains the words that my soul  survives on. 

It wasn’t always this way. My bible was tucked  away in a box and forgotten for many years. I may have been given it way back in 1992, but it didn’t become my life blood until the worst night of my life in 2007. 

I had nothing to love for anymore. It was time to move on from this world. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. No one understood me or cared enough to try. Kneeling on my bedroom floor, I was filled with feeling of complete hopelessness. These thoughts and more raced through my head as the hot tears rolled down my cheeks, the cold barrel of the gun pressed tight against my temple. 

Out of nowhere, a voice! The most calming voice I’ve ever heard. “I love you.” Somehow I knew it was Jesus, even though I hadn’t thought about him in years. My mind shifted to the Bible. I remembered that it was in a box in the back of my closet. 

I had an overwhelming urge to find it. I dug and dug and finally found my old Bible. I randomly opened it up and read “When you go through deep waters I will be with you” Isaiah 43:2. I was instantly filled with a peace that I cannot explain. I knew I was not alone. 

I’ve spent the past 10 years not only studying the words that are printed in this book, but getting to know it’s author and in turn know myself on a deeper level.